


The Gift That Keeps Getting Given

by SeaofSin



Series: Team Bonding [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Crack Fic, Everyone is a terrible gift giver, F/M, Gifts, Jewish Maximoffs, Sexual Humor, Twincest, Ugly Holiday Sweaters, bad gifts, dumb humor, embarasssment, light maxicest, silbling incest, stupid humor, the Avengers are chaotic friends, this may be the dumbest thing I'll ever write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-16
Updated: 2015-12-16
Packaged: 2018-05-07 03:28:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5441774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeaofSin/pseuds/SeaofSin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony Stark hosts a holiday gift exchange for the Avengers. Things go wrong.</p><p>Nothing but crack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Gift That Keeps Getting Given

"Line up, everyone, line up! Come on, everybody gets a name!" was the first thing the Avengers heard when Tony barged into the break room, dressed to the nines in all forms of tacky holiday wear and a small box wrapped in wrapping paper in his arms. "We're doing holiday gift exchanges. No ifs, ands, or buts! Everyone get a name!"

The Avengers all exchanged glances of varying degrees of confusion, with Wanda and Pietro completely lost. "What?" Pietro asked finally, setting down his fork.

"Holiday gift exchanges! They do this in offices, you draw a name, buy a gift for that person. Everyone is in there... Well, except Bruce, but he insisted he wanted no part, and then skipped out on us," Tony said, glee emanating from each word as he shook the gaudy box.

"That doesn't sound like a bad idea right now," Pietro mumbled.

"I heard that. Anyways, come on up, draw a name! No cheating!" Tony said, extending his arms out towards Rhodey for the first pick.

"What if we don't like the person?" Pietro asked, watching Rhodey's hand disappear into the box and come back with a slip of paper, which seemed to disappoint him.

"Then you would only have one person in that box to chose from. No trades. No excuses, we are going to take the name and suck it up," Tony snapped, extending the box towards Pietro, who shoved his hand in.

The paper he drew said 'Clint' and he scowled. Of all the names, it just had to be Clint. What the hell would this guy want anyways? Pietro honestly couldn't find it in him to care, and began to contemplate how quickly he could pack his and Wanda's things and escape without notice.

Wanda seemed pleased by her draw, as evidenced by the smile on her lips, and Pietro sighed. Wanda seemed to be enjoying herself, and he would hate to be the one to ruin that.

As Tony moved through the group of Avengers, he eventually distributed names to everyone, with varying degrees of happiness and confusion, before pulling out the last name for himself. With a loud cackle, he clutched the paper and walked away.

"... I don't like the sound of that," Rhodey sighed, standing up to follow Tony out and see just who was the unfortunate gift-recipient that Tony had drawn.

Meanwhile, Pietro glared between the paper in his hand and the archer a few feet away. He and Clint weren't exactly on the friendliest of terms, and the last thing he wanted to do was buy a gift for him. Well, if anything, this could provide a decent excuse to antagonize him, Pietro decided, and began making a mental list of embarrassing gifts to buy. A smirk crossed his lips as his mind formed the perfect image, and made a mental note to go online tonight and make his purchase.

Maybe this would be fun after all.  
\---  
Later that week, the gifts were all stacked on the designated table, and the Avengers gathered around.

The first gift to be opened was by Natasha, whose time needed to be cut short by an urgent recon mission.

A nicely wrapped gift was pulled from the table and handed to her, and was quickly unwrapped to reveal a nice pair of headphones, perfect for cancelling out noise.

"For when you get tired of hearing my patriotic rants," Steve said, smiling softly and reaching over to give her a hug. "Be safe out there, okay?"

"Sure thing, Stars and Stripes," Natasha laughed, returning the hug before prying the headphones out of the package and wrapping them over her neck.

"Okay, good start. This spoils the fun of guessing, but Nat, who did you get a gift for? You should at least get to see that," Tony said, still thrumming with energy.

"Uh- no. It's fine," Natasha said, looking panicked.

"Come on!" Tony urged, poking her shoulder before his hand was swatted away.

"Fine, Vision, now let me leave," she grumbled, attempting to stand.

"Not until we see what you got him," Tony said, searching the boxes and handing the one labeled "Vision" to said android.

Before Natasha could get her foot out the door, Vision had managed to unwrap the box and pull out the gift: many long, colorful wires coiling out like snakes.

Pietro couldn't help but laugh. And here he thought the gift he bought Clint was bad. Well, it still was, he argued to himself, just not in the same way Natasha's was. Though he could hardly blame her. If he had drawn Vision, he would have probably bought him much of the same.

Tony seemed to find this hysterical. "O- okay. That's new," he choked out between fits of laughter.

"I don't know what to buy a robot!" she sighed, completely exasperated. Hands thrown in the air, she began to shuffle away, Steve's gift stashed under her arm.

"Yes, but - wires?" Clint snorted, pulling several of the wires and untangling them.

"Yes. Wires. Now if you'll excuse me," Natasha snapped, glaring over her shoulder.

Vision gathered his gift in his arms, smiling faintly. "Thank you," he called out to Natasha's retreating form, "I rather like wires. I can upgrade computers with them."

Natasha paused, giving one last, stunned look before smiling and waving her goodbyes, leaving the rest of the Avengers to their gifts.

"Maybe her gift wasn't a complete bust then. Anyhow, let's get the rest of this show on the road," Tony said, grabbing another box from the table and checking the tag. "Pietro, your gift."

Pietro took the gift, and ripped the paper off without a second to spare. Inside was an obnoxiously huge sweater, a dreidel knitted in the center, and Pietro couldn't help but smile. "Wanda, you got my name didn't you?" he asked, gathering the thing in his hands. It was incredibly unattractive, as almost any holiday sweater was bound to be, but drew fond memories of his family, who would force him to wear such ugly things for holiday greeting cards. Tucked under the sweater had been copious amounts of chocolate gelt, which he certainly wouldn't share. At least not with anyone who wasn't Wanda.

"What gave you that idea?" she laughed, leaning in to kiss his cheek with a loud pop and grinned.

"This thing is hideous," he laughed, holding the sweater out in front of him.

"You don't have to wear it," Wanda said, smiling softly.

"Oh hell yeah I am," Pietro chuckled, pulling the garment over his head and smirking. "Thank you," he whispered in her ear.

"You thought you weren't going to get an ugly Chanukah sweater this year," Wanda answered, happy to tuck herself under his arm.

"Considering Chanukah just ended, yes, I thought it was safe to assume," he laughed.

"I love you," he whispered as Tony twisted himself to grab another box, this time handing it to Thor.

"I love you too."

Thor wasted no time in opening his gift, proudly displayed his enormous box of baked goods and a little keyring with a toy Mjolnir at the end. "I shall share the treats with the Warriors Three and Lady Sif. But the little Mjolnir shall remain with me. Who do I owe thanks to?" he asked, admiring the keyring with a wide grin before he looped it into his belt, right next to the real one.

"Right here," Sam said, happy to receive the enormous bear-hug Thor had in store for him.

Pietro couldn't help but feel almost guilty now, seeing such thoughtful gifts and joy between the team. Almost. Besides, he had let Wanda convince him to actually buy a real gift for Clint, not that he would give it to him now. Afterwards he would, but only after a good laugh at his expense.

"Alright, how about one for the dinosaur?" Tony said, rubbing his hands together with a mischievous look on his face.

"Oh no, here we go," Pietro could have sworn he heard Rhodey mutter under his breath before he stood up to grab some coffee from the counter, anxiously glancing over his shoulder as though something was bound to detonate.

Suddenly that guilt didn't feel quite so strong anymore.

Steve himself looked a bit afraid, and carefully unwrapped his gift before letting out an annoyed cry. "Stark, what the hell?!"

"You gotta loosen up," Stark quipped, ducking the slipper that was tossed at him.

Beneath the wrapping paper was a box that proudly displayed a vibrator. Whatever guilt Pietro felt completely left as everyone (except Rhodey) burst into laughter. Beside him, Pietro could feel Wanda's body shake her lips formed into a beautiful smile. Seeing Wanda smile was going to be the highlight of the day, he decided.

Steve was red-faced and completely embarrassed, but taking it rather well, considering.

"Yes, hilarious," Steve said, rolling his eyes as he shoved the present under the couch. "Let's just move on, why don't we?"

"Alright, fine. Clint, let's move on to you," Tony said, cheeky grin still intact as he handed Clint his gift.

This grabbed Pietro's attention immediately, Wanda's too, and both shared a secretive smile as Clint shook the box.

Clint's reaction was nothing short of spectacular, his eyes wide and his mouth pressed into a thin line as he pulled out a bottle of lube and a vibrator. "Okay, I knew you and Tony would have some sort of secret asshole club, but this-"

Tony was howling. "The kid didn't even ask me, he got that on his own. Great minds, eh?" he laughed, clapping Pietro on the back. "Look, he was even nice enough to get you lube."

"Fuck off, Stark," Clint grumbled.

"Yeesh, no need to be hostile. Alright, moving on," Tony said, hands in the air as a sign of defeat. "Wanda, your present."

Wanda took the gift, pulling at the purple wrapping paper before pausing for a moment, the corners of her mouth turning into a frown. Pietro peeked over her shoulder, curious as to what could have caused such a reaction. What he found was enough to get him ranting.

"Who the fuck bought my sister a vibrator?! She doesn't need a vibrator, I am her vibrator!" Pietro yelled, looking at the thing with disdain. "Pervert."

"What? That's not a vibrator! It's a massager!" Clint spat, taking the box from Wanda to look it over. "There's no way this thing's a vibrator, it isn't even dick shaped."

"Clint, what planet do you live on? That's code for 'it's a vibrator but we can't tell you that because we aren't a sex shop'," Pietro said, grimacing.

Beside him Wanda was flustered, uncertain if she should thank him for the sentiment or say nothing to avoid making this even more awkward than it was.

"You're kidding right? Please tell me you're kidding...?" he mumbled, looking to the others for validation. The others simply shook their heads. "Oh for fuck's sake! I did not mean to go out and buy her a vibrator!"

"I don't believe that for a moment. How can you seriously-?" Pietro began, but was quickly cut off by Clint.

Clint was livid, and leaned forward, face red. "You wanna talk? You're the one who intentionally bought one, lube included, so I-"

"How about we just gift the receipts and move on. Sam, here, I'm sure you got something nice," Tony interrupted.

Sam should have been a safe choice, no one had a grudge against him, and therefore he shouldn't be getting a prank vibrator... With frustration already growing, they needed something nice to distract them.

"It's a teddy-bear..." Sam said, peering past the hole he made in the wrapping before peeling away more.

"Or it's another vibrator," Tony said, brows furrowed at the label of the product was revealed. "Who the hell thought a teddy-bear vibrator was a good idea?! That thing is just going to get gross quick."

"What have I done to deserve this?" Sam sighed, face rested in his hands.

At this point it was becoming almost absurd, Pietro couldn't help himself from laughing. Even Sam was somehow not immune to this odd plague of sex toys.

"I apologize, Sam. I didn't know the gift would upset you..." Thor said, claiming responsibility.

"Okay, that just raises more questions. How did the god of thunder come to the conclusion to buy a vibrator?" Tony asked, staring wide-eyed at the box.

"I asked you what you would buy someone," Thor said, bewildered. "I thought that certain gifts might be traditional, and it would be best to ask you."

"I thought you were asking what I was buying. I didn't mean for you to- never mind. Sam now has a teddy-bear vibrator and there's nothing we can do about it," Tony said, throwing back a swig of coffee and grimacing. "Hopefully they take refunds."

Silence hung for a moment before Tony disinterestedly passed a package towards Rhodey. "Go wild, best bud. Something says it's a vibrator."

Rhodey simply snorted, and shook his head. "It's not. I thought drawing my own name was a bad thing at first, but seeing how things turned out for the most of you... I say I got lucky."

"Wait, what? Why didn't you tell me?" Tony asked, sitting up straight as he furrowed his brows.

"Because you said no redraws," Rhodey said as he pulled out some slippers with little War-Machine helmets embroidered on them, as well as a new laptop. "I knew this thing might come in handy. And no, Tony, the password will not be WarMachineRox."

"But that's - that's a completely separate issue-! Whatever, at least you got something nice out of this," Tony said, raising his glass with a wry half-smile on his face before reaching back for the last box. "And last but not least, my gift."

Tony sat there for a moment, toying with the ribbons on then end of the box. "Are you going to open it?" Clint asked, sitting upright.

"Maybe? I already know what it is. It's from Vision, and I know it's a vibrator both because he was there at the same time Thor asked, and the fact that he's trying to escape," Tony said. "Ah, what the hell, let's all have a good laugh."

"It's like you said, Stark: you need to loosen up," Steve chuckled, laughing hard when Tony proudly displayed his gift.

"Who knew? My own son, gifting me a vibrator," Tony said, grinning at Vision, who seemed to have developed a sense of shame within the past hour due to the escapades of his team.

Wanda smiled, peering out of the corner of her eye at Steve and Tony, who seemed to be making tentative amends by joking about their own gifts. "Pietro?" she whispered.

"Hmm?"

"Are you really mad about the vibrator?"

"Not really. Not anymore," he sighed, lips pressed together. "I was more mad because I thought he did that to fuck with you."

"Well then, why don't we go and test it out, hmm? That could be fun," she purred.

"Hell yeah, I'm in," he chuckled, gently nipping her ear before standing up. "You go off, I have to finish something."

Nodding, Wanda tucked the gift under her coat, sneaking off towards her room as quietly as she could.

Pietro dashed off to his room, checking under the bed for the gift, which apparently Wanda took the time to wrap, and pulled it out, darting back to the meeting area to the coffee pot, where Clint stood alone, drinking straight from the pot. "Here, old man," Pietro said as he dumped his real present on Clint. "Tell anyone and you're dead."

"What, we don't want the team knowing the dick has a heart?" Clint asked.

"Wanda made me buy it. So really, I still don't," Pietro shrugged.

"Hey, before you go, tell your sister I'm sorry about that... thing." Clint said as he handed over a small slip of paper, the receipt, no doubt.

"Keep it." was all Pietro said before speeding off.

Clint just stared at the slip of paper in disbelief. "Oh, gross."


End file.
